watching my thoughts

this is an assignment in a book i'm reading, "living juicy-daily morsels for your soul" by sark. i thought i'd try using her entries as inspiration or prompts to write from but the first one i chose is hard. i don't like my thoughts most of the time. they are based in fear, fear of being alone, fear of never being alone, fear of never being alone due to the fear of being alone, fear of betrayal, deception from the ones i choose to trust, fear of lack, you get the point.
on my walks through the neighborhood, my mind races not on what is around me, not on my beautiful surroundings but on fears, on bad dreams, on the past whether it be of the one i love or my own or the future and where its taking me or not.
i can sometimes focus on the now, breathe a deep breath and really feel my surroundings but it is difficult and i wonder what the f--- is wrong with me that i can never seem to be happy for long. it comes and goes and i know everything is impermanent but others seem to be able to grasp this joy easier than i can.
i feel lost. i feel like i'm floating in a large ocean without a lighthouse in sight. i'm not drowning but i'm not really moving in any direction, just floating, just maintaining, just surviving. but for how long can i float without being pulled under by the tide, sharks, waves, bad weather? i know i must trust this place i am at and not question it, i know because i've read it in books and told others the same thing, the answers will appear when i'm ready, for now i must live the questions. i know this to be true but i fight it, i fight it with every ounce of muscle i have. i fight it like i'm dying for my next breath or i'll suffocate. i'm so tired of fighting....