running

running seems to be a theme in my life. running from someone else, running from myself, running from feelings, obligations, committments, lonliness, sadness, fear, pain, truth, lies....
when i say i'm tired, i am tired of avoiding, running and denying feelings. i'm not perfect, far from it but sometimes i think i've lived in this bubble that i'm beyond the things i've been running from. by not allowing myself to sit with them, i've denied their existance. why do i run like i'm running for my life to get away from feelings. from lonliness. i know it won't kill me, i know i'm strong, i'm capable, i actually like myself, i like that i'm restless, that i'm always wanting to learn something new, experience something new and scary sometimes, i'm not afraid to talk to anyone, i love connecting to others on a deep level, i like that i'm not afraid to take myself out to dinner in a restaurant, go to a movie alone, i wonder what it would be like if i met myself as another person or do we do this all the time and deny the mirror we stand before. i wonder if i could be friends with someone like me. i wonder if i'd get on my nerves wondering so much ha ha. if i did meet someone like me, we'd probably never get a word in edgewise. i like that about myself too though, that i have alot to say and a burning desire to express myself. a burning desire to be understood but are we really ever understood? we all have different perceptions, different life experiences, this story we tell others to define ourselves is just that, a story. its our perception and no one else's. it one-sided and probably not even true. i don't want to always feel the need to tell my story, its getting old. i don't think people really care anyway. maybe i'll just start walking up to people, stand next to them, look at them, smile, nod, and just feel the energy exchanged between us. no questions, no confessions, just pure energy. maybe they'll think i'm crazy, maybe they'll not. i don't know anymore, words don't seem to do justice to what all is swarming inside my head at any given moment. words are so trifling, so shallow compared to the depth between the pathways in my brain. hell i can't even understand what is travelling through the chemicals flowing in my brain. (on a side note, don't hate me but i love my new mariah carey cd) kind of a guilty confession i guess that sometimes a "pop" cd will get me moving, like last year i bought the britney spears cd and it was so embarrasing to admit i loved it but i did admit it and told everyone to get it, i guess they did as she sold a bunch of em...
sorry about that little digression. i'm tired, went to an art exhibit for a girlfriend of a friend of mine and then dancing at msr until 3 a.m. feeling a little obsessive, addicted to someone that pulls the strings to my heart. what is this fucking thing addiction? it sucks but yet it also is a driving force that nothing can compare to. i truly realize a little bit of what a drug addict feels when they need a fix. i get short of breath, my thoughts are on her only, on where she's at, what she's doing, if she misses me like i miss her. am i as special to her as her last or her best. outside of the relationship, i know i'm special, i know i'm lovable but i constantly question my value to her, it has nothing to do with her, i know it is about my fears, my insecurities, my weakness, but it sucks and yet i wouldn't trade this experience with her for anything. i only want to learn to breath and not freak out when we fight, not freak out and drive over to her house at 3 a.m. when she doesn't pick up her phone, i don't want to look for the bad, the reason to walk away and say, "i told you so, everyone lets me down, nobody is trustworthy" i want to trust, i want to believe, i want to stop wanting and just have and just be....