breathing room

my mom is here visiting from ft. worth texas. she and i are close, always have been. we talk on the phone 5 times a day if even for just a minute or two, sharing our experiences, music, words, visions, dreams. we don't see eachother in person but once or twice a year but i feel like we are always together since we do share so much via telephone. she is an artist. she is a free spirit. she always told me to "lighten up" when i was younger, she said "quit being such a prude" she was the child and i the adult or so it seemed. i often told her what she was doing wrong or not doing as a parent, i read to her from Dr. Spock books while she painted her canvases until 3 a.m. smoking and drinking coffee. i told her she wasn't supposed to give me candy until after i ate dinner. she said, "what if dinner is a hershey bar?" instead of washing the pans with stuck on food, she'd throw them in the back yard. she went through husbands as most people go through kleenex. i stopped paying attention after the 5th one. when i see movies like "anywhere but here" and "running with scissors" i can relate since my mom was and is a little, no a lot, eccentric and lives life to the fullest. i've always struggled to find my identity outside of my mother since she is overpowering, an extremely strong woman and at times a bit dramatic and controlling. i lost myself in her shadow and chose to hide there where it felt safe until i was in my thirties. now when we get together in person, about the third or fourth day something changes and we both get a little bit irritable, sensitive, cranky, restless. we are at that point now in this visit and we had our one time falling out last night and today has been better but i know with her leaving wednesday, i'll be sad, i'll feel guilty that i couldn't be what she wanted me to be, give in to her whims, revolve around her or at least stay awake long enough to interact because for some reason, its all i can do to stay awake after the third day of our visits. maybe its the breaking point when i can no longer put up a front of being agreeable, holding back my opinions that might be different from hers, i don't know why i even feel the need to do this as she loves me unconditionally and i know this with all of my heart. she lives for me and my children. teaches art classes to the homeless, the juvenile delinquents in lock up, library classes after school, all to send money and anything else we need to us, me and my children. she loves us to the point of suffocation sometimes but she loves us. i'm wondering if this kind of stressful anxiety i'm experiencing is just what happens to all families when they get together, especially during the holidays. all the intense emotions in small spaces for extended periods of time. i love her though with every ounce of my being. i pray for patience, for acceptance, for compassion, i know she won't always be here and i cry just to think about it. i remember around 10 years old i would think about her dying or not being around forever and i'd cry instantly. i gave her a wooden tulip a long time ago with a quote on it and it is still true to this day, she cried when she read it. it said, "to my mom, i've loved you longer than you've loved me, i've loved you all of my life, you've only loved me part of yours" this will always be true.