went to a cma meeting last night to hear my friend's testimony. i met him 8 years ago while working at a bookstore and instantly connected on a spiritual level. he was fun, crazy, passionate about life, about living life to the fullest, outspoken, affectionate, hyper, hard working, distracted yet in the moment. he had so many stories, was young, trying to experience as much as possible and burning the candle at both ends. i felt deep compassion for his flight, his unquenchable thirst for pleasure, for instant gratification but at the same time i loved that about him, i loved that he wasn't afraid to say what was on his mind, wasn't afraid to take risks, he often invited me out to backstreet, kaya and other clubs that never closed. i could tell when he came in some mornings, he hadn't been to sleep all night long but yet he still managed to smile, give me a hug, make me laugh. my life at that time had little to no laughter. having moved to atlanta for a relationship, leaving my children in texas with my mom until i got a job, a place to live, i wasn't happy, i was feeling extremely guilty, selfish and yet all that i had run from in texas, obligation, a bad marriage, my support system via family and friends, everything i left behind, haunted me in atlanta. if i saw a family, all i could think of was how i had desserted mine, why wasn't i happy like them, why couldn't i be satisfied with the status quo. anyway, my pity party was out of control so going to work where i had to focus on something beyond myself was good for me in a way, s could make me laugh, i could live vicariously through his crazy stories of picking up young guys in the bar and taking them out into the parking lot to f___. his boyfriend and him had a deal where they could have sex with other guys but couldn't kiss or something. i could see his lifestyle was hard and would take its toll on him eventually but knew it wasn't up to me to try to stop him or advise him. i knew he wouldn't stick around to listen so i just hung out with him when i could, listened to his tales and constantly asked him a million questions about his experiences. he loved to be on stage, to talk about his life and i loved to listen.
this is only the beginning of this story and i'll continue with it later but just wanted to write about the s i saw last night giving his testimony on a stool at the front of a large room filled with over 75 addicts (over 3/4s gorgeous gay men) tears falling from his eyes during the part about his lover that died and the guilt regarding his selfish behavior with his family and friends. his remorse, his forgiveness, his insightfulness, all a blessing to those in the room, his hope and faith that life is worth it. the one thing i'll take with me from last night was a quote he said his mom gave him that is hanging by his mirror, "bloom where you're planted" wow, i know like him, i've tried to run in my life, tried to find greener pastures, tried to get away from anything remotely related to my past, my beginnings, always have this idea of a better place, a utopia sort of, and after all of his near death experiences and the death of his lover and the death of his crazy lifestyle which ended up with prison time, he is back where he was planted in the little town he was born in. on 40 acres of land with his mom and step-father. loving it, loving the very things he ran from. he is safe right now. s, i love you, i love your spirit. i love that you never stop moving, never stop thinking, never stop loving those around you. i feel it in your presence, i see it in your eyes. i always remember your huge, warm, authentic hugs that i often paged you on the phone at work to come over and give me just when i needed to be held, to be touched, to be recognized. love you s!!!