running

running seems to be a theme in my life. running from someone else, running from myself, running from feelings, obligations, committments, lonliness, sadness, fear, pain, truth, lies....
when i say i'm tired, i am tired of avoiding, running and denying feelings. i'm not perfect, far from it but sometimes i think i've lived in this bubble that i'm beyond the things i've been running from. by not allowing myself to sit with them, i've denied their existance. why do i run like i'm running for my life to get away from feelings. from lonliness. i know it won't kill me, i know i'm strong, i'm capable, i actually like myself, i like that i'm restless, that i'm always wanting to learn something new, experience something new and scary sometimes, i'm not afraid to talk to anyone, i love connecting to others on a deep level, i like that i'm not afraid to take myself out to dinner in a restaurant, go to a movie alone, i wonder what it would be like if i met myself as another person or do we do this all the time and deny the mirror we stand before. i wonder if i could be friends with someone like me. i wonder if i'd get on my nerves wondering so much ha ha. if i did meet someone like me, we'd probably never get a word in edgewise. i like that about myself too though, that i have alot to say and a burning desire to express myself. a burning desire to be understood but are we really ever understood? we all have different perceptions, different life experiences, this story we tell others to define ourselves is just that, a story. its our perception and no one else's. it one-sided and probably not even true. i don't want to always feel the need to tell my story, its getting old. i don't think people really care anyway. maybe i'll just start walking up to people, stand next to them, look at them, smile, nod, and just feel the energy exchanged between us. no questions, no confessions, just pure energy. maybe they'll think i'm crazy, maybe they'll not. i don't know anymore, words don't seem to do justice to what all is swarming inside my head at any given moment. words are so trifling, so shallow compared to the depth between the pathways in my brain. hell i can't even understand what is travelling through the chemicals flowing in my brain. (on a side note, don't hate me but i love my new mariah carey cd) kind of a guilty confession i guess that sometimes a "pop" cd will get me moving, like last year i bought the britney spears cd and it was so embarrasing to admit i loved it but i did admit it and told everyone to get it, i guess they did as she sold a bunch of em...
sorry about that little digression. i'm tired, went to an art exhibit for a girlfriend of a friend of mine and then dancing at msr until 3 a.m. feeling a little obsessive, addicted to someone that pulls the strings to my heart. what is this fucking thing addiction? it sucks but yet it also is a driving force that nothing can compare to. i truly realize a little bit of what a drug addict feels when they need a fix. i get short of breath, my thoughts are on her only, on where she's at, what she's doing, if she misses me like i miss her. am i as special to her as her last or her best. outside of the relationship, i know i'm special, i know i'm lovable but i constantly question my value to her, it has nothing to do with her, i know it is about my fears, my insecurities, my weakness, but it sucks and yet i wouldn't trade this experience with her for anything. i only want to learn to breath and not freak out when we fight, not freak out and drive over to her house at 3 a.m. when she doesn't pick up her phone, i don't want to look for the bad, the reason to walk away and say, "i told you so, everyone lets me down, nobody is trustworthy" i want to trust, i want to believe, i want to stop wanting and just have and just be....

watching my thoughts

this is an assignment in a book i'm reading, "living juicy-daily morsels for your soul" by sark. i thought i'd try using her entries as inspiration or prompts to write from but the first one i chose is hard. i don't like my thoughts most of the time. they are based in fear, fear of being alone, fear of never being alone, fear of never being alone due to the fear of being alone, fear of betrayal, deception from the ones i choose to trust, fear of lack, you get the point.
on my walks through the neighborhood, my mind races not on what is around me, not on my beautiful surroundings but on fears, on bad dreams, on the past whether it be of the one i love or my own or the future and where its taking me or not.
i can sometimes focus on the now, breathe a deep breath and really feel my surroundings but it is difficult and i wonder what the f--- is wrong with me that i can never seem to be happy for long. it comes and goes and i know everything is impermanent but others seem to be able to grasp this joy easier than i can.
i feel lost. i feel like i'm floating in a large ocean without a lighthouse in sight. i'm not drowning but i'm not really moving in any direction, just floating, just maintaining, just surviving. but for how long can i float without being pulled under by the tide, sharks, waves, bad weather? i know i must trust this place i am at and not question it, i know because i've read it in books and told others the same thing, the answers will appear when i'm ready, for now i must live the questions. i know this to be true but i fight it, i fight it with every ounce of muscle i have. i fight it like i'm dying for my next breath or i'll suffocate. i'm so tired of fighting....

tattoos are so cool

i'm having fun studying my new tatoo on my wrist. it has 8 petals for the buddhist eightfold path on the outside 1)right knowledge 2)right thinking 3)right speech 4)right conduct 5)right livlihood 6)right effort 7)right mindfulness 8)right concentration and the symbol for "Om" is in the center which means, "Om is the one eternal syllable of which all that exists is but the development. The past, the present, and the future are all included in this one sound, and all that exists beyond the three forms of time is also implied in it". it is a sound i grew up meditating with when my mother taught me to sit crossed legged and chant. to me it means peace, presence, calm, serenity, awareness all of which come from sitting quietly.
my friend kelly and i went to 13 roses tattoo parlour and met lil' d who did our tatoos, she got the yin/yang symbol and i got the above mentioned. if you want a recommendation for a great, awesome energy, tatoo artist go to 13 roses and ask for him. his energy is amazing and calming. i was honored that he was available but then again, it always works out that we are sent to the right person in every situation.
i am so happy with the tatoo and already know i have to go back for another soon. maybe behind my ear and a small one on my ankle. that's all though. a piercing is next. someone asked me why the need for these things to be happy and i had to think hard about that, its not that i need these things to be happy, i'm happy. but i enjoy these rituals, marks of my development so to speak. 10 years ago i got a piercing after my divorce on a trip to new york with my son, now 10 years later the tatoo which ironically enough is just after my separation from my 2nd husband. i really need to stop waiting until after a split to honor my development ha ha not really. just feels like the timing is right when one chapter of your life ends and another begins, i guess i don't want the chapters to be quite so long, 10 years is a long time to honor myself and my experiences.
well, i'm off to paint a wall in my room that has been waiting for 5 weeks. i'll paint the other wall at some point, hopefully not in five weeks.

went to a cma meeting last night to hear my friend's testimony. i met him 8 years ago while working at a bookstore and instantly connected on a spiritual level. he was fun, crazy, passionate about life, about living life to the fullest, outspoken, affectionate, hyper, hard working, distracted yet in the moment. he had so many stories, was young, trying to experience as much as possible and burning the candle at both ends. i felt deep compassion for his flight, his unquenchable thirst for pleasure, for instant gratification but at the same time i loved that about him, i loved that he wasn't afraid to say what was on his mind, wasn't afraid to take risks, he often invited me out to backstreet, kaya and other clubs that never closed. i could tell when he came in some mornings, he hadn't been to sleep all night long but yet he still managed to smile, give me a hug, make me laugh. my life at that time had little to no laughter. having moved to atlanta for a relationship, leaving my children in texas with my mom until i got a job, a place to live, i wasn't happy, i was feeling extremely guilty, selfish and yet all that i had run from in texas, obligation, a bad marriage, my support system via family and friends, everything i left behind, haunted me in atlanta. if i saw a family, all i could think of was how i had desserted mine, why wasn't i happy like them, why couldn't i be satisfied with the status quo. anyway, my pity party was out of control so going to work where i had to focus on something beyond myself was good for me in a way, s could make me laugh, i could live vicariously through his crazy stories of picking up young guys in the bar and taking them out into the parking lot to f___. his boyfriend and him had a deal where they could have sex with other guys but couldn't kiss or something. i could see his lifestyle was hard and would take its toll on him eventually but knew it wasn't up to me to try to stop him or advise him. i knew he wouldn't stick around to listen so i just hung out with him when i could, listened to his tales and constantly asked him a million questions about his experiences. he loved to be on stage, to talk about his life and i loved to listen.
this is only the beginning of this story and i'll continue with it later but just wanted to write about the s i saw last night giving his testimony on a stool at the front of a large room filled with over 75 addicts (over 3/4s gorgeous gay men) tears falling from his eyes during the part about his lover that died and the guilt regarding his selfish behavior with his family and friends. his remorse, his forgiveness, his insightfulness, all a blessing to those in the room, his hope and faith that life is worth it. the one thing i'll take with me from last night was a quote he said his mom gave him that is hanging by his mirror, "bloom where you're planted" wow, i know like him, i've tried to run in my life, tried to find greener pastures, tried to get away from anything remotely related to my past, my beginnings, always have this idea of a better place, a utopia sort of, and after all of his near death experiences and the death of his lover and the death of his crazy lifestyle which ended up with prison time, he is back where he was planted in the little town he was born in. on 40 acres of land with his mom and step-father. loving it, loving the very things he ran from. he is safe right now. s, i love you, i love your spirit. i love that you never stop moving, never stop thinking, never stop loving those around you. i feel it in your presence, i see it in your eyes. i always remember your huge, warm, authentic hugs that i often paged you on the phone at work to come over and give me just when i needed to be held, to be touched, to be recognized. love you s!!!

A Room of One's Own

finally, i'm in my new apartment. have been since april 1st. just now getting comfortable enough to stay home and veg...
i love so much about it, hard wood floors, tall ceilings, arched doorway between living room and kitchen, lots and lots of windows, big front porch, 1920s house with 6 apartments total in it. so much to say but tired and not sure where to begin other than tonight was the first time i went for a jog in my neighborhood and ended up in downtown decatur by the coffee shop that i fell in love with 8 years ago which is how i discovered the city of decatur to begin with, a poetry reading on sunday night at java monkey.
the neighborhood is quaint, houses old and huge granny porches. people outside, walking dogs, kids, working in the yard etc.
i see a beginning here.