My mom sent this picture to me yesterday. She said she didn't know why but everytime she picked it up out of her collage pile, she thought of me and didn't use it as part of her collage. She kept putting it back and wanted to save it to show me. "I guess because it's so feminine" is why she thinks it reminds her of me.
Lately I haven't seen myself as feminine but exhibiting the character traits I would imagine are more "manly". I don't necessarily like the aggressiveness that seems easier to exhibit but somehow it feels like a better fit. I have been trying to go back in my life to see where this pushiness or bluntness started and I can pretty much see it started in small ways while I was going through my divorce from my first husband and father of my two children. We'd met while I was 15 and in high school, he had dropped out and was working full time at 19. Maybe not having a father figure, having a mother that worked all day and played with her art, her girlfriends, her new husband, made me want some control, some stability, someone to watch over me for a change. He was just that, jealous, controlling and always wanted to know where I was, who I was with and what I was doing. Eventually, he chased my friends away one by one, I guess I should say I didn't work at those relationships due to the stress of answering to him so they withered. I was pregnant by February of my 15th year and gave birth to my beautiful son in November, 2 months after my 16th birthday.
Rather quickly I slid into what I thought was my purpose in life, being a good wife, being a good mom, listening and watching for other's wants and needs and making sure I fulfilled them. If anything went wrong in the family, I took the blame and tried to make it better. After five years with only one child, I decided I didn't want him to be an only child like myself so we had another baby, she was welcomed into our family and the girl I'd always wanted to dress up in bows and ribbons. Funny how she was a tomboy and only wanted to be like her big brother of 6 years in jeans and t-shirts, except for the purple Disney Aladdin outfit that she insisted on wearing with red cowboy boots, yikes...
After many nightmares and dreams of getting lost in school hallways, I decided I really wanted to get my GED and go to the community college. It was scary and all but I was doing it as much for my children, to set an example that you're never to old to get an education, as I was for my self-esteem.
There is more but as you can see, this life I'd tried so hard to live, a wife and mother above all else, above my own dreams, desires, fantasies, was destined to come crashing down as I come from a long lineage of strong women, creative souls, my mother the artist and free spirit had planted seeds that eventually would sprout but before these seeds could break the surface, they had to be watered.
