Shades of Blu

Kindness

2011-08-16T18:13:00.002-04:00

by Naomi Shihab Nye

Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.

Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.

You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.

Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.

Then it is only kindness that makes any sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day to mail letters and
purchase bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
It is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you everywhere
like a shadow or a friend.

I've always loved this poem and may have even posted about it before but today really needed and wanted to read it again and share it with the universe. It amazes me how at times people can choose to be other than kind to one another. Life is hard enough without the added stress of unkindness but alas through loss and we begin to feel how connected we really are to every other living being.

"What we reject out there is only, after all, what we reject in ourselves; and the most numbing pain comes from the protected heart." Roger Housden in "Ten Poems to Open Your Heart"

May you see your connection to every thing you come into contact with and may you not only show kindness to those people or things, may they recipricate in kindness.

Peace

2011-02-17T21:47:00.004-05:00

While visiting my mom in Texas, we made our nightly runs to the bookstore, imagine that...I work all week in a bookstore and then when I'm off of work where do I hang out? In a bookstore...So while scanning the gender studies shelf, I came across an interesting book titled Dear John, I Love Jane edited by Candace Walsh & Laura Andre. There is a forward by Dr. Lisa Diamond author of Sexual Fluidity which I bought a couple of years ago.

The Dear John book includes 27 essays written by women who have left a man for a woman. They are all true and honest stories, some will make you cry, others will make you wish for that first experience again, the excitement, the newness, the scary yet inticing unexplored territory of the first time.

Dr. Lisa Diamond's book Sexual Fluidity was a book I picked up when I was trying to understand my attraction to women, my transition from being married to falling in love with a woman. My family is open and accepting, my mother is a professional artist so diversity was a part of my upbringing and I even have an aunt who is a lesbian so there was never any shame surrounding homosexuality. I was curious how my preference could just change at the age of forty. No warning, no latency, never thought twice about it. Maybe I was so busy from such a young age raising kids, fulfilling familial responsibilities that I wasn't aware of my sexuality. Somehow, having children so young must have paired sex with pro-creation or something. Diamond's book explained a lot about the female's sexual fluidity and although it was extremely scientific, it did give me some sense of normalcy in regards to my experience.

In Dear John, I Love Jane, I found first hand tales of women falling in love with another woman. These stories aren't all happy and certainly some end very sad yet they are true and that is what I look for in writing, honesty and truth. Funny enough, one of the essays is an excerpt titled First Date With Ann from a book written by Meridith Maran that I read in a religion class I took at SMU back in 1996 called What It's Like to Live Now about a woman leaving her husband for a woman. I didn't even think anything about it when I read it at the age of 29, guess I was too busy trying to graduate with two young children and a husband to relate to her story. Guess I didn't have time or energy to think about sex lol...

I highly recommend this book for all women and men as it can give some insight into the struggles involved with a woman discovering her attraction to another woman. It isn't an easy journey. She suffers from hurting those she loves, her husband, her children, her family, the other woman and mostly herself. I know first-hand the guilt that comes from waking up so to speak from an unfulfilled marriage. Once my eyes were opened, there was no going back and the thought of the harm I caused to those that loved me was excruciating. I made the choice to love myself enough to get out. Some women in these stories didn't take the leap. Some didn't have the support. Some did. Some left for another woman. Some left for themselves. The best word to describe all of these women that shared their stories with the world is BRAVE...

2011-02-15T08:45:00.001-05:00

It never fails that when I walk back into the receiving department of the bookstore I work in, I see a book on the pile of new books just received, yet to be shelved, and salivate over it and feel I'll never be happy unless I have it as my own. I tuck it under my arm and slink out of the receiving department so as not to piss anyone off that I've grabbed a new book before it even made it to the floor. I take it to my office and drool over it until the end of the day when at that point the newness has either worn off or I still believe I can't live without it and proceed to the register to buy said book.
Today, I saw a book that caught my eye. It's the second book by this author about her experience with cancer and I've seen her documentary about her experience and loved it. It's called Crazy Sexy Cancer Survivor: More Rebellion and Fire for your Healing Journey by Kris Carr. Now I absolutely loved her first book Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips for her creativity and photos and honesty even though it can bring tears to my eyes but then again, I love something that can move me to tears. I debated whether buying a book about surviving cancer would jinx me as I don't have and don't plan on getting that diagnosis, ever...However, her message about surviving against all odds, about healing, about empowerment, basically about living and thriving not just maintaining for however long we are meant to be in this physical body. I think it is a message everyone can benefit from the same way I think we can all benefit from the 12 steps whether we have an addiction or not.
Some of the section titles are; Mind, Body aka Lovin' the Temple, Jesus, Buddha, Elvis, ETC.
One quote I turned to that immediately caught my eye and my heart "I feel naked and abandoned. I do my very best. I work so hard to "let go" of all the nasties in me, to do the "right" thing, and yet here I am drifting in a shit storm! I'd crawl on broken glass to go back, but I know I can't. So what should I do? How do I tie my shoe so I can take one step forward?" Wow, even though I am healthy, thank God, I've felt this way on one occasion or another. I think we have all felt this way and had to find the "survivor" inside that would and could get us through the challenge and to the other side.
So, thinking that an ounce of prevention is worth, oh I can't remember the rest, I'm buying this book for the survivor in me, for the fighter against all odds of the daily trials and tribulations I encounter and I want to toast in honor of Kris Carr and ask that you check her out online http://www.crazysexycancer.com/ she is a kick butt kind of gal I wish the best for and thank from the bottom of my heart for her inspiration and strength and creativity! What a positive woman! Oh and it doesn't hurt that she's hot!

Inspiring Use of Creative Energy

2010-06-10T18:27:00.001-04:00

Cutting for Stone by Abraham Verghese

My rating: 5 of 5 stars
Can I just start by saying this is one of the best books I've read in a few years. It starts out strong and doesn't let up. I was very surprised to discover how much I enjoyed reading about the field of medicine and the different perspectives of the different doctors and what they valued. I admire Abraham Verghese's ability to write so creatively and paint this picture of Ethiopa that made me want to visit this village. The members of this community are like one big family and yet they are so very different I guess not that different from a real family in that way. I was deeply moved by the relationship between Shiva and Marion. I've often wondered about the emotions of twins and if they can feel what the other feels even when seperated by miles. I would highly recommend this book if you love reading about remote villages, eccentric characters, medicine, psychology and so much more. This book starts with the birth of two boys and the death of their mother during labor and ends when they are grown so the reader really gets lost in this epic tale of love, family, extended friends, and the sacrifices people make out of love and compassion.

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Midnight in the Garden of Good & Evil

2009-11-28T22:20:00.000-05:00

http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/386187.Midnight_in_the_Garden_of_Good_and_Evil">Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil by http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/4952.John_Berendt">John Berendt

My rating: http://www.goodreads.com/review/show/78795365">4 of 5 starsI enjoyed this book. It read like a novel and if it weren't for my book club choosing it, I wouldn't have read it as I'm not inclined to read something in the true crime genre. It didn't read like a crime novel or even a true account but more literary and colorful. I especially enjoyed the eccentric characters and southern culture as I wasn't born in the South and wasn't raised with this high society etiquette and customs or expectations. I now want to learn more about Sherman's invasion and the Civil War and look forward to the next time I'm able to visit Savannah and see all of the places he mentions in the book. I highly recommend this book for those that enjoy history, suspense, character development and more...
http://www.goodreads.com/review/list/392536-carla">View all my reviews >>

What A Bookstore For Women Should Be

2009-07-20T18:01:00.000-04:00

The Education of Harriet Hatfield by May Sarton

My rating: 4 of 5 stars
I found this book to be charming and endearing. After Harriet's loss of her lifelong partner Vickie, she begins to realize how dependent and sheltered her life was in that relationship. She never regrets being with Vickie as she is the love of her life and always will be however she starts to step outside of her comfort zone and opens a feminist bookstore in a diverse but somewhat conservative area. With a few threats and attacks on her opening such a place, she never stops remembering why she wanted the bookstore, to provide a safe place for women to come together and communicate, share ideas and offer eachother support. This "third place" as we sometimes hear it referred to, has always been taken for granted by men as they have the local pub or bar down the street and "boys night out". Harriet felt the need of this type of community for women and even after a tragic event occurs, she never stops believing she's done the right thing. She meets a diverse group of people, men and women, that come to her with their problems and often times she feels like a counselor. I think it might be the first time in her life she's felt needed and liked for being herself and not in Vickie's shadow. In this book, I saw how tough it must have been back then to come out and be gay, to call yourself a Lesbian and not fear for the loss your job, the loss of your family and friends right down to the loss of yourself. I would highly recommend this book to those that feel they are swimming upstream and discriminated against. In the end, we are much more alike than different inside.

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The Unbearable Lightness of Being

2009-07-08T22:26:00.001-04:00

The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera

My review

rating: 3 of 5 stars
I couldn't wait to read this book as it was mentioned by several authors I admire as one of their favorite books. I found it difficult to get into and was often confused due to the different storylines (two couples) switching back and forth. I'm thinking this book might include what they call Magical Realism and more and more I am learning I don't care for it as it confuses me.

I do think Kumdera has a way with storytelling and their is vision in his way with words. I enjoyed the cultural aspects and background of what was going on during the Soviet invasion of Prague. I didn't particularly love any of the characters so I wasn't really all that concerned about their story.

It seemed that Tomas was never satisfied and continued to search for the newest adventure only to be left unfulfilled again. His wife Tereza seems to be the most melencholy and loyal in the book however I can't understand how she is able to accept Tomas' unfaithfulness and merely pouts or gets upset. It felt like she was in a viscious cycle of hanging on and letting go of their relationship and life together.

It was hard at times to tell dreams from reality and I can see why this book would be great in a group discussion as there is so much going on with symbolism and dreams.

I was crying while reading about Karenin's death and felt so sad for Tereza's loss of her beloved companion.

I would recommend this book to someone who likes classics, literary fiction, books that make you think and possibly to a book group looking for a good discussion.

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2009-06-12T19:05:00.001-04:00

The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society by Mary Ann Shaffer

My review

rating: 5 of 5 stars
cannot say enough how much i loved this book. i so much enjoyed the correspondence between juliet and the islanders. getting tho know each character through their letters filled with opinions, experiences and gossip was such a great way to see them from different perspectives. i admired the fact that juliet followed her heart and allowed her life to unfold wherever she felt connected. if we all had the ability or the freedom or the lack of fear to just go wherever we felt called it seems our lives would be filled with relationships and experiences. i don't think she'll look back one day and regret she never lived to the fullest. i highly recommend this book for those that value relationships, new experiences, meeting different and quirky people and love learning about other's experiences.

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Full Circle Perspective

2009-05-23T07:05:00.000-04:00

Olive Kitteridge: A Novel in Stories by Elizabeth Strout

My review

rating: 5 of 5 stars
I just loved this collection of short stories involving the character of Olive Kitteridge in one way or another. I've never much like to read short stories for some reason. Maybe they leave me wanting more or maybe I just haven't given them a chance. However, these short stories were different in that they each gave a portrayal of Olive. She may be a customer, a mother, a wife, a friend, the neighbor or just walking through in a cameo appearance. By showing us Olive from every angle and everyone's point of view, I got a fuller perspective of her through different situations. Had I only read one of the stories, I might have misjudged her, thought her frigid or cranky or stubborn but by seeing her behavior outside of one situation, I was able to empathize with her and truly see her softness, insecurities and vulnerability. I like her and think she is spunky if not a little grumpy and set in her ways but maybe I'm weird but for some reason I feel when we have lived a long life and experienced heartache and loss and worked and contributed to society, we have earned a little attitude even if it is a little irritating to be around...

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The Little Stranger

2009-05-23T06:58:00.002-04:00

The Little Stranger by Sarah Waters

My review

rating: 3 of 5 stars
One of my book club members wanted to read a Sarah Waters and most everyone had read Tipping the Velvet and Fingersmith but me of course so we went with Waters newest book. Being that it is the first Waters book I've read, I found her writing to be amazing. Her attention to detail and character development was great. I haven't read many period pieces or any ghost stories so this was totally new ground to walk on. I found that I like period writing, especially when it involves a simpler, less technelogical society. I can relate to characters that aren't sitting in front of a tv or playing video games or surfing the net. I admired Carloline's independence and mind of her own attitude. Dr. Faraday was a little needy and annoyed me to no end near the end of the book, he felt like a stalker. I would have loved more of the haunting and ghost story to be used as those scenes seemed to move the story along fast and I found myself waiting for the next, often too long...

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For the Love of Books

2009-04-30T17:33:00.000-04:00

An Alphabetical Life: Living It Up in the World of Books by Wendy Werris

My review

rating: 3 of 5 stars
I enjoyed this book as I work in a bookstore and find the publishing industry full of good stories. After reading this book, it made me wish things were simpler now, the way they were when the sales reps would visit the stores in their territory with a few titles they were selling and the buyer or bookstore owner/manager would decide if and how many based on their customer base. I realize it might still be somewhat like this at the indies but unfortunately I work at a big box store and our stock is chosen by people in New York. I love hearing about the relationships Wendy built in the business. Not so fond of the "good ole boys" but hey they are still around unfortunately, especially in the South. I loved reading about someone who loves and obsesses over books as much as I. Sometimes I think I'm the only one but after reading this, I realize there are others, if only a small portion of the population, at least I'm not alone.

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April Decatur Women's Book Club Book

2009-04-30T17:25:00.000-04:00

Loving Frank: A Novel by Nancy Horan

My review

rating: 5 of 5 stars
wow, what a book...i'm so happy this was recommended for one of my book clubs as i wouldn't have picked it up. i found it so interesting to learn about not only Frank Lloyd Wright but a little about architecture and what was going on in the early 1900s in regards to politics, current events, society in general and I'm especially grateful to have learned a little about Mamah. She was an amazing woman in so many ways. I could totally relate to her longing for a more fulfilling relationship, more intimate and with an equal that could challenge her and make her think. I too am a lover of learning and seem to think intellectual stimulation is as strong if not stronger than any other kind, at least for me. I felt for her having to make choices that no matter what she did, someone would suffer, her, or her children, or Edwin her husband. It does seem that to follow one's heart often hurts others and that if we could just put our own longings, our own desires and passions aside and be there for others, life would be easier but it wouldn't be authentic either and as I've gotten older, authenticity has become more and more important to me. I highly recommend this book for many reasons, the historical aspect, the relationship dynamics are real and honest if painful, and the total surprise in the end. Makes me want to read more about Mamah and Frank outside of this book.

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2009-04-14T08:21:00.001-04:00

Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen

My review

rating: 5 of 5 stars
I was pleasantly surprised how much I enjoyed this book. I remember when it came out in the store and everyone was picking it up. This usually turns me off a book as I don't usually like the bestseller titles, they often seem light, predictable and so many people have read them that I've usually heard too much about them. This was my book club's choice so I went with it and glad I did. I loved Jacob's character and his humanity regarding the care of the circus animals. He had a good heart and I loved hearing his thoughts when he was older in comparison to his younger self. He has a spunk that he didn't seem to possess in his younger years. I find this to be true in a lot of people, they spend a lot of their life following the rules, putting others first and putting their own opinions aside. However as we get older and realize life is short, we often come out of our shell and stand up for our beliefs which often rocks the boat. Marlena was interesting in many ways. She had a good heart and due to fear, felt stuck in a situation she couldn't get out of. I especially love learning about a train circus, something I would have never thought would interest me. Very hard work and extremely crooked people!

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2009-04-14T08:02:00.001-04:00

I loved this book. I especially enjoyed the backdrop of Great Expectations and how Jones tied Pip's life to so much that was going on in the book. It was gripping at times and violent however after recently reading Little Bee, I was somewhat prepared for the tortures that take place outside of America. It was a short book and I found myself reading slow in order to make it last a little longer. The love of learning and the idea that someone amidst chaos and uncertaintly can hold onto the hope for a better society. This message rings loud and clear with all that the world is going through now. Inspirational yet not unrealistic with a happily ever after ending.

Herland by Charlotte Perkins Gilman

2009-03-15T11:28:00.002-04:00

This is the second time I've read this story and got something different out of it this time. I fell in love with Gilman's ideas and writing in a college English class when we were assigned The Yellow Wallpaper. I was the only one in the class that loved the story. I felt Gilman's message about how women were treated was important and so when I discovered she had written Herland, based on an all women's utopian society, I couldn't wait to get my hands on it.
The beginning of the story was somewhat humorous duet e to the conversations between these three totally opposite adventurers and their discovery of this hidden female society. Terry, the macho, patriarchal leader funding the trip seems to find it impossible that women alone could create a functioning civilization let alone a happy one. Whereas Jeff, the sensitive woman worshipper, isn't totally convinced Terry is on to something yet kind of sits back and enjoys the ride. It's Van who sees women as more of an equal gender and allows his friendship with Ellador to delve into the strength and inner wisdom females encompass. For the first time, he is able to see the benefit of a "Marriage" outside of physical intimacy and the advantages of partnership on a whole new level. I found his thirst for knowledge and his shame of how our society sees the role of women endearing. Gilman's way of showing how backwards our society is in some ways was done through humor and comparisons with the Herland society. It was very tongue in cheek at times but got the message across with the women of Herland asking question after question about how our country works. It did make me feel a little embarassed to think how we often as a society think we know best and that we are superior to other cultures when in fact, some third world countries have maintained some values I think would benefit all of mankind. I recommend this book for a book club or class discussion as it leads to many different views and perspectives, much too long to go into a review. You just might learn something about the people in your life that you thought you knew very well.

2009-02-24T19:22:00.003-05:00

TEASER TUESDAYS asks you to:
Grab your current read.Let the book fall open to a random page.Share with us two (2) “teaser” sentences from that page, somewhere between lines 7 and 12.You also need to share the title of the book that you’re getting your “teaser” from … that way people can have some great book recommendations if they like the teaser you’ve given!
Please avoid spoilers!

Our girl was straight boycrazy. (To be called boycrazy in a country like Santo Domingo is a singular distinction; it means that you can sustain infatuations that would reduce your average northamericana to cinders.) She stared at the young bravos on the bus, secretly kissed the bread of the buenmosos who frequented the bakery, sang to herself all those beutiful Cuban love songs.

(from The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao by Junot Diaz, page 88)

Teaser Tuesday is hosted by MizB at ShouldBeReading. Stop by to visit and read more teasers!

my new t-shirt

2009-01-15T21:22:00.002-05:00

believe it or not, all of the following is on the back of my new t-shirt

Love this Life....
is about celebrating the moment
and that we're not guaranteed
or owed another day
and how cool it is that what we hide
can actually be the fuel towards our glory
and that it's not so bad being proven wrong

Love this Life...
is about welcoming the blind turn
and the possibility that
there's no such thing as coincidence
and that empathy is incredibly sexy
and that it's never too late
to pick up a guitar or a paintbrush
or to make an amend or to make a new friend

Love this Life...
could be about rekindling a past flame
or igniting a new one
or shapeshifting from a dreamer into a doer
or savouring the caress of a love long gone

Love this Life...
means whatever it is you want it to mean
because

Love this Life...
is a celebration of you and your path

Love this Life...
cuz it could go at any second

you rock.

by David Culiner

what a message huh?

2009-01-01T10:09:00.002-05:00

affirmation for 2009 i received at unity north burning bowl ceremony last night, thought i'd share it for those that may benefit from this affirmation and weren't present to receive it....

i now release and forgive all persons, all places, all things, and all conditions of the past and the present which are no longer a part of the Divine Plan for my on-going good.
i do give thanks that i am now released and forgiven by all persons, all places, all things, and all conditions of the past and the present which are no longer a part of the Divine Plan for my on-going good.
thank you father, mother, god for my freedom from the mistakes of the past and the results of the mistakes of the past.
i now attract to me my highest good, thank you, thank you, thank youou

may your 2009 be peaceful, prosperous and full of opportunities to grow....

The Invitation

2008-12-30T22:22:00.000-05:00

just wanted to share this amazing poem I read today..

The Invitation
by Oriah Mountain Dreamer, Indian Elder
It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your hearts longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals, or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it. I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true, I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.
I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore trustworthy. I want to know if you can see beauty, even when it is not pretty every day, and if you can source your life from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours or mine, and still stand on the edge of a lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes!"
It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done for the children.
It doesn't interest me who you are, or how you came to be here- I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away. I want to know if you can be alone with yourself, and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.
May 1994

Local Food

2008-11-16T17:53:00.002-05:00

In one of my bookclubs I joined last month, we read Animal, Vegetable, Miracle: A Year of Food Life by Barbara Kingsolver and The Omnivore's Dilemma: A Natural History of Four Meals by Michael Pollan. What a wake up call to food, where it comes from, how it gets to our plates, our mouths and what all goes into producing, processing, and getting it into the stores, into the markets and into our homes. Instead of the typical book group style meeting at the restaraunt, we decided to go on a field trip to a local farm. The owner of the farm gave a tour of his farm and what all he has growing right now; broccoli, spinach, carrots, tomatoes, potatoes, eggplant, different types of lettuce and a few other veggies I can't recall. After touring the grounds and watching the men work the compost pile, smoke was rising from the compost and I was amazed that it steamed due to the breakdown of chemicals and their reactions, we followed him back over to the pig roasting in the ground out back. There were about 40 people visiting the farm today and all were environmentally aware and a lot of them had gardens and were familiar with growing garlic, veggies among other things. It felt like a little commune while we all filled our plates with freshly roasted pork, homemade coleslaw from the veggies in the garden, baked beans, grilled portabella mushrooms, grilled tofu and sweet potatoe pie for dessert. There was fresh local brew to be had and fresh parmeson cheese, it was all delicious.
It was slightly cold but the bonfire was warm and as long as you were in the sunshine, it wasn't too bad until the shade took over.
All in all, it makes me realize how much work goes into growing food and caring for it. This farmer has a landscape company that he put a lot of time into and farming outside of that. He went into the difficulties of getting the certification he needs to sell produce straight from his farm and how the laws are not in favor of small farmers. He sells to a few local farmer's markets and has clients that he helps start a garden in their yard which bring him pleasure.
The Kingsolver book was my favorite as it told the tale of her family's decision to move from Arizona to Virginia on a farm and live off of only local food they could grow or buy from neighboring farms for one entire year. It was funny in parts and insightful in how the food industry doesn't tell us everything about what we put into our bodies every day. I highly recommend reading her book if even to see how we can make a difference by taking baby steps in our everyday life. If everyone of us just put 10% of our spending into supporting local food growers, it would tilt the odds in our favor and keep the small farms around. 10% isn't much and it is something we can make a choice to do by finding a local farmer's market or food co-op nearby and choosing to buy our vegetables there instead of at Kroger or Publix.

read your work and you're a slut

2008-09-01T23:01:00.002-04:00

saturday and sunday at the decatur book festival went well. saturday not as well as sunday. i was assigned to work the roy blount jr. signing at the library. the auditorium filled up and people were waiting outside in a line and not very happy. there were three other volunteers but somehow i got nominated to stand outside and block the incoming traffic as the library auditorium was over capacity. it was hot. people were mean. i was surprised at how mean book lovers could be as they were there for a discussion and signing of a book not a national convention. i felt like the bad guy having to turn them away as some of them said they'd drive from alabama. a lot of them had darn good excuses as to why i should let them past me and into the library, "my husband is saving my seat", "i just need to go to the bathroom", "someone is waiting for me inside", "i'm here to surprise mr. blount's wife, she doesn't know i'm here" etc. anyway, you would think they'd paid for a ticket and were refused admission. at some point i was pushed and to think these were the ones that showed up straight at 10 when the talk began, i can't imagine if they'd been waiting an hour and refused entrance.
sunday was a bit better, my job was to bring ice cold bottles of water to all of the vendors that needed any, they loved to see me coming. they were appreciative and very thirsty....
after volunteering i saw karin slaughter discuss suspense writing and my favorite part was the author hollis gillespie, who wrote "bleachy haired honkey bitch" was in the audience and after another audience member commented on how karin didn't look like she'd be writing the violent stuff she writes, hollis raised her hand and stated to karin "i've read your work and you're sick" to which karin responded "well i've read your work and you're a slut" loved it..

breathing room

2008-08-25T23:11:00.001-04:00

my mom is here visiting from ft. worth texas. she and i are close, always have been. we talk on the phone 5 times a day if even for just a minute or two, sharing our experiences, music, words, visions, dreams. we don't see eachother in person but once or twice a year but i feel like we are always together since we do share so much via telephone. she is an artist. she is a free spirit. she always told me to "lighten up" when i was younger, she said "quit being such a prude" she was the child and i the adult or so it seemed. i often told her what she was doing wrong or not doing as a parent, i read to her from Dr. Spock books while she painted her canvases until 3 a.m. smoking and drinking coffee. i told her she wasn't supposed to give me candy until after i ate dinner. she said, "what if dinner is a hershey bar?" instead of washing the pans with stuck on food, she'd throw them in the back yard. she went through husbands as most people go through kleenex. i stopped paying attention after the 5th one. when i see movies like "anywhere but here" and "running with scissors" i can relate since my mom was and is a little, no a lot, eccentric and lives life to the fullest. i've always struggled to find my identity outside of my mother since she is overpowering, an extremely strong woman and at times a bit dramatic and controlling. i lost myself in her shadow and chose to hide there where it felt safe until i was in my thirties. now when we get together in person, about the third or fourth day something changes and we both get a little bit irritable, sensitive, cranky, restless. we are at that point now in this visit and we had our one time falling out last night and today has been better but i know with her leaving wednesday, i'll be sad, i'll feel guilty that i couldn't be what she wanted me to be, give in to her whims, revolve around her or at least stay awake long enough to interact because for some reason, its all i can do to stay awake after the third day of our visits. maybe its the breaking point when i can no longer put up a front of being agreeable, holding back my opinions that might be different from hers, i don't know why i even feel the need to do this as she loves me unconditionally and i know this with all of my heart. she lives for me and my children. teaches art classes to the homeless, the juvenile delinquents in lock up, library classes after school, all to send money and anything else we need to us, me and my children. she loves us to the point of suffocation sometimes but she loves us. i'm wondering if this kind of stressful anxiety i'm experiencing is just what happens to all families when they get together, especially during the holidays. all the intense emotions in small spaces for extended periods of time. i love her though with every ounce of my being. i pray for patience, for acceptance, for compassion, i know she won't always be here and i cry just to think about it. i remember around 10 years old i would think about her dying or not being around forever and i'd cry instantly. i gave her a wooden tulip a long time ago with a quote on it and it is still true to this day, she cried when she read it. it said, "to my mom, i've loved you longer than you've loved me, i've loved you all of my life, you've only loved me part of yours" this will always be true.

wednesday night run

2008-07-31T07:18:00.000-04:00

first time on pavement for awhile
sound of rubber hitting asphalt
dogs barking in dark corners
cats jumping out of gutters and slinking across the street
headlights shining in my eyes
skipping over potholes, speed bumps
turn corner onto e. ponce
whizzing past the post office
sweat dripping off arms onto hands onto pavement
cars passing to the leftbass pumping out of windows at the stop light
whizzing past taco mac, ruby tuesday
couples snuggling into each other behind windows
sharing food, conversation, lips
laptops open to powerpoint presentation on tables
sipping coffee, reading paper
whizzing past starbucks
man playing saxaphone on bench
lovely jazzy sound almost want to stop and lie in the grass
couples drinking and talking not 100 yards from jazz music
coming up to church streetman walking toward me with two huge incense sticks burning
saying something i can't understand
sure do like the smell of the musky incense
woman walking, looking all around, .. phone
workers taking out trash from tai me uptired and ready to crawl into bed after feeding decatur
continue on toward avondale station
dark, dark, dark
people walking on other side of street
men sitting on wall laughing and talking
figuring out how to solve the world's problems
on a wall in downtown decatur with the faint sound of jazz music and the faint smell of incense in the air

running

2008-05-18T13:43:00.003-04:00

running seems to be a theme in my life. running from someone else, running from myself, running from feelings, obligations, committments, lonliness, sadness, fear, pain, truth, lies....
when i say i'm tired, i am tired of avoiding, running and denying feelings. i'm not perfect, far from it but sometimes i think i've lived in this bubble that i'm beyond the things i've been running from. by not allowing myself to sit with them, i've denied their existance. why do i run like i'm running for my life to get away from feelings. from lonliness. i know it won't kill me, i know i'm strong, i'm capable, i actually like myself, i like that i'm restless, that i'm always wanting to learn something new, experience something new and scary sometimes, i'm not afraid to talk to anyone, i love connecting to others on a deep level, i like that i'm not afraid to take myself out to dinner in a restaurant, go to a movie alone, i wonder what it would be like if i met myself as another person or do we do this all the time and deny the mirror we stand before. i wonder if i could be friends with someone like me. i wonder if i'd get on my nerves wondering so much ha ha. if i did meet someone like me, we'd probably never get a word in edgewise. i like that about myself too though, that i have alot to say and a burning desire to express myself. a burning desire to be understood but are we really ever understood? we all have different perceptions, different life experiences, this story we tell others to define ourselves is just that, a story. its our perception and no one else's. it one-sided and probably not even true. i don't want to always feel the need to tell my story, its getting old. i don't think people really care anyway. maybe i'll just start walking up to people, stand next to them, look at them, smile, nod, and just feel the energy exchanged between us. no questions, no confessions, just pure energy. maybe they'll think i'm crazy, maybe they'll not. i don't know anymore, words don't seem to do justice to what all is swarming inside my head at any given moment. words are so trifling, so shallow compared to the depth between the pathways in my brain. hell i can't even understand what is travelling through the chemicals flowing in my brain. (on a side note, don't hate me but i love my new mariah carey cd) kind of a guilty confession i guess that sometimes a "pop" cd will get me moving, like last year i bought the britney spears cd and it was so embarrasing to admit i loved it but i did admit it and told everyone to get it, i guess they did as she sold a bunch of em...
sorry about that little digression. i'm tired, went to an art exhibit for a girlfriend of a friend of mine and then dancing at msr until 3 a.m. feeling a little obsessive, addicted to someone that pulls the strings to my heart. what is this fucking thing addiction? it sucks but yet it also is a driving force that nothing can compare to. i truly realize a little bit of what a drug addict feels when they need a fix. i get short of breath, my thoughts are on her only, on where she's at, what she's doing, if she misses me like i miss her. am i as special to her as her last or her best. outside of the relationship, i know i'm special, i know i'm lovable but i constantly question my value to her, it has nothing to do with her, i know it is about my fears, my insecurities, my weakness, but it sucks and yet i wouldn't trade this experience with her for anything. i only want to learn to breath and not freak out when we fight, not freak out and drive over to her house at 3 a.m. when she doesn't pick up her phone, i don't want to look for the bad, the reason to walk away and say, "i told you so, everyone lets me down, nobody is trustworthy" i want to trust, i want to believe, i want to stop wanting and just have and just be....

watching my thoughts

2008-05-14T21:24:00.002-04:00

this is an assignment in a book i'm reading, "living juicy-daily morsels for your soul" by sark. i thought i'd try using her entries as inspiration or prompts to write from but the first one i chose is hard. i don't like my thoughts most of the time. they are based in fear, fear of being alone, fear of never being alone, fear of never being alone due to the fear of being alone, fear of betrayal, deception from the ones i choose to trust, fear of lack, you get the point.
on my walks through the neighborhood, my mind races not on what is around me, not on my beautiful surroundings but on fears, on bad dreams, on the past whether it be of the one i love or my own or the future and where its taking me or not.
i can sometimes focus on the now, breathe a deep breath and really feel my surroundings but it is difficult and i wonder what the f--- is wrong with me that i can never seem to be happy for long. it comes and goes and i know everything is impermanent but others seem to be able to grasp this joy easier than i can.
i feel lost. i feel like i'm floating in a large ocean without a lighthouse in sight. i'm not drowning but i'm not really moving in any direction, just floating, just maintaining, just surviving. but for how long can i float without being pulled under by the tide, sharks, waves, bad weather? i know i must trust this place i am at and not question it, i know because i've read it in books and told others the same thing, the answers will appear when i'm ready, for now i must live the questions. i know this to be true but i fight it, i fight it with every ounce of muscle i have. i fight it like i'm dying for my next breath or i'll suffocate. i'm so tired of fighting....

tattoos are so cool

2008-05-11T13:34:00.006-04:00

i'm having fun studying my new tatoo on my wrist. it has 8 petals for the buddhist eightfold path on the outside 1)right knowledge 2)right thinking 3)right speech 4)right conduct 5)right livlihood 6)right effort 7)right mindfulness 8)right concentration and the symbol for "Om" is in the center which means, "Om is the one eternal syllable of which all that exists is but the development. The past, the present, and the future are all included in this one sound, and all that exists beyond the three forms of time is also implied in it". it is a sound i grew up meditating with when my mother taught me to sit crossed legged and chant. to me it means peace, presence, calm, serenity, awareness all of which come from sitting quietly.
my friend kelly and i went to 13 roses tattoo parlour and met lil' d who did our tatoos, she got the yin/yang symbol and i got the above mentioned. if you want a recommendation for a great, awesome energy, tatoo artist go to 13 roses and ask for him. his energy is amazing and calming. i was honored that he was available but then again, it always works out that we are sent to the right person in every situation.
i am so happy with the tatoo and already know i have to go back for another soon. maybe behind my ear and a small one on my ankle. that's all though. a piercing is next. someone asked me why the need for these things to be happy and i had to think hard about that, its not that i need these things to be happy, i'm happy. but i enjoy these rituals, marks of my development so to speak. 10 years ago i got a piercing after my divorce on a trip to new york with my son, now 10 years later the tatoo which ironically enough is just after my separation from my 2nd husband. i really need to stop waiting until after a split to honor my development ha ha not really. just feels like the timing is right when one chapter of your life ends and another begins, i guess i don't want the chapters to be quite so long, 10 years is a long time to honor myself and my experiences.
well, i'm off to paint a wall in my room that has been waiting for 5 weeks. i'll paint the other wall at some point, hopefully not in five weeks.

2008-05-10T08:07:00.002-04:00

went to a cma meeting last night to hear my friend's testimony. i met him 8 years ago while working at a bookstore and instantly connected on a spiritual level. he was fun, crazy, passionate about life, about living life to the fullest, outspoken, affectionate, hyper, hard working, distracted yet in the moment. he had so many stories, was young, trying to experience as much as possible and burning the candle at both ends. i felt deep compassion for his flight, his unquenchable thirst for pleasure, for instant gratification but at the same time i loved that about him, i loved that he wasn't afraid to say what was on his mind, wasn't afraid to take risks, he often invited me out to backstreet, kaya and other clubs that never closed. i could tell when he came in some mornings, he hadn't been to sleep all night long but yet he still managed to smile, give me a hug, make me laugh. my life at that time had little to no laughter. having moved to atlanta for a relationship, leaving my children in texas with my mom until i got a job, a place to live, i wasn't happy, i was feeling extremely guilty, selfish and yet all that i had run from in texas, obligation, a bad marriage, my support system via family and friends, everything i left behind, haunted me in atlanta. if i saw a family, all i could think of was how i had desserted mine, why wasn't i happy like them, why couldn't i be satisfied with the status quo. anyway, my pity party was out of control so going to work where i had to focus on something beyond myself was good for me in a way, s could make me laugh, i could live vicariously through his crazy stories of picking up young guys in the bar and taking them out into the parking lot to f___. his boyfriend and him had a deal where they could have sex with other guys but couldn't kiss or something. i could see his lifestyle was hard and would take its toll on him eventually but knew it wasn't up to me to try to stop him or advise him. i knew he wouldn't stick around to listen so i just hung out with him when i could, listened to his tales and constantly asked him a million questions about his experiences. he loved to be on stage, to talk about his life and i loved to listen.
this is only the beginning of this story and i'll continue with it later but just wanted to write about the s i saw last night giving his testimony on a stool at the front of a large room filled with over 75 addicts (over 3/4s gorgeous gay men) tears falling from his eyes during the part about his lover that died and the guilt regarding his selfish behavior with his family and friends. his remorse, his forgiveness, his insightfulness, all a blessing to those in the room, his hope and faith that life is worth it. the one thing i'll take with me from last night was a quote he said his mom gave him that is hanging by his mirror, "bloom where you're planted" wow, i know like him, i've tried to run in my life, tried to find greener pastures, tried to get away from anything remotely related to my past, my beginnings, always have this idea of a better place, a utopia sort of, and after all of his near death experiences and the death of his lover and the death of his crazy lifestyle which ended up with prison time, he is back where he was planted in the little town he was born in. on 40 acres of land with his mom and step-father. loving it, loving the very things he ran from. he is safe right now. s, i love you, i love your spirit. i love that you never stop moving, never stop thinking, never stop loving those around you. i feel it in your presence, i see it in your eyes. i always remember your huge, warm, authentic hugs that i often paged you on the phone at work to come over and give me just when i needed to be held, to be touched, to be recognized. love you s!!!

A Room of One's Own

2008-05-07T23:13:00.002-04:00

finally, i'm in my new apartment. have been since april 1st. just now getting comfortable enough to stay home and veg...
i love so much about it, hard wood floors, tall ceilings, arched doorway between living room and kitchen, lots and lots of windows, big front porch, 1920s house with 6 apartments total in it. so much to say but tired and not sure where to begin other than tonight was the first time i went for a jog in my neighborhood and ended up in downtown decatur by the coffee shop that i fell in love with 8 years ago which is how i discovered the city of decatur to begin with, a poetry reading on sunday night at java monkey.
the neighborhood is quaint, houses old and huge granny porches. people outside, walking dogs, kids, working in the yard etc.
i see a beginning here.

Kindness by Naomi Shihab Nye

2008-03-29T12:41:00.002-04:00

before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
what you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
how you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop.
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.

before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,
you must travel where the indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
you must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.

before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
you must wake up with sorrow.
you must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.

then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day to mail letters and purchase bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
it is i you have been looking for,
and then goes with you everywhere
like a shadow or a friend.

i too recognize the time when everything you thought was true was not, everything you held on to was gone, with nowhere to turn, nothing to grasp, my heart surrendered to this gentleness, this slowness, this kindness to myself, to others to the world at large. there is a softness i can't describe in the way i walk, the way i talked even the way i moved my eyes from one side of the room to the other, a softness from surrender, from giving up, from not trying to see what i wanted to see, to make things what i wanted them to be, the softness of simply allowing the beingness of everything that surrounded me to be what it must, to be authentic. during this time in my life, i will create this intention to be gentle with myself, gentle with my surroundings, gentle in the knowing that things are as they should be, they couldn't be any other way, or they would. allow, allow, allow and breathe....

Need to pack

2008-03-29T12:40:00.000-04:00

but don’t want to so am reading poetry instead, here’s something that touched me:

Sometimes a man (woman) by rainer maria rilke

sometimes a man (in this case woman) stands up during supper and walks outdoors, and keeps on walking, because of a church that stands somewhere in the East.

and his (her) children say blessings on him as if he were dead.

and another man (woman), who remains inside his own house, dies there, inside the dishes and int he glasses, so that his (her) children have to go far out into the world toward that same church, which he (she) forgot.

is that how it happens? one is just overcome with the urge or knowledge on some inner level that it is time to stand up and walk out the door. why now? why there? why me? but the urge to stand up and walk is stronger than the urge to stay in the same safe, comfortable place and die within those 4 walls that surround and stifle you. sometimes that is how it happens for me, i’m stuck, i’m stagnant, i’m in a rut and then something moves me, something inspires me, something speaks to me, something deep inside connects with something i must find and i stand up and start walking, to where, i know not of but i know i have to move in order to find it.

Love After Love by Derek Walcott

2008-03-27T07:43:00.002-04:00

the time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here, eat.
you will love again the stranger who was your self.
give wine. give bread. give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your image from the mirror.
sit. feast on your life.

just read this poem before jumping into the shower and couldn't move for a minute. right here on this page it says to me that at some time i will recognize the one true thing, the one true love of my life, the one that knows me best, knows my strengths, my weaknesses, loves me just the same, patiently waits while i chase after dreams, after the illusion of love outside of myself. i'm back....

This Reminds Me of You

2007-12-09T07:46:00.001-05:00

My mom sent this picture to me yesterday. She said she didn't know why but everytime she picked it up out of her collage pile, she thought of me and didn't use it as part of her collage. She kept putting it back and wanted to save it to show me. "I guess because it's so feminine" is why she thinks it reminds her of me.
Lately I haven't seen myself as feminine but exhibiting the character traits I would imagine are more "manly". I don't necessarily like the aggressiveness that seems easier to exhibit but somehow it feels like a better fit. I have been trying to go back in my life to see where this pushiness or bluntness started and I can pretty much see it started in small ways while I was going through my divorce from my first husband and father of my two children. We'd met while I was 15 and in high school, he had dropped out and was working full time at 19. Maybe not having a father figure, having a mother that worked all day and played with her art, her girlfriends, her new husband, made me want some control, some stability, someone to watch over me for a change. He was just that, jealous, controlling and always wanted to know where I was, who I was with and what I was doing. Eventually, he chased my friends away one by one, I guess I should say I didn't work at those relationships due to the stress of answering to him so they withered. I was pregnant by February of my 15th year and gave birth to my beautiful son in November, 2 months after my 16th birthday.
Rather quickly I slid into what I thought was my purpose in life, being a good wife, being a good mom, listening and watching for other's wants and needs and making sure I fulfilled them. If anything went wrong in the family, I took the blame and tried to make it better. After five years with only one child, I decided I didn't want him to be an only child like myself so we had another baby, she was welcomed into our family and the girl I'd always wanted to dress up in bows and ribbons. Funny how she was a tomboy and only wanted to be like her big brother of 6 years in jeans and t-shirts, except for the purple Disney Aladdin outfit that she insisted on wearing with red cowboy boots, yikes...
After many nightmares and dreams of getting lost in school hallways, I decided I really wanted to get my GED and go to the community college. It was scary and all but I was doing it as much for my children, to set an example that you're never to old to get an education, as I was for my self-esteem.
There is more but as you can see, this life I'd tried so hard to live, a wife and mother above all else, above my own dreams, desires, fantasies, was destined to come crashing down as I come from a long lineage of strong women, creative souls, my mother the artist and free spirit had planted seeds that eventually would sprout but before these seeds could break the surface, they had to be watered.

To Esme

2007-11-07T07:41:00.000-05:00

just finished a book titled the vanishing act of esme lennox and found it such a coincidence, although i don't really believe in coincidences, that i had chose one of my favorite short stories from college to read aloud at my "friday night art group" and that very story is sited in the reading guide to the vanishing act of esme lennox. i didn't know that they were connected on paper but it my mind, they were because i had chose to share the short story "the yellow wallpaper" by charlotte perkins gilman before i picked the book up. what attracted me to the book was the similar theme of the mistreatment of women. how if they didn't comply with the current social mores, they were put away, into an asylum or worse burned at the stake. this is a scary theme to me as i was brought up by a strong, independent artist mother that would have been burned had she been born back then. she was often called "joan of ark of the 60s" by her friends due to her rebelliosness and independent thinking. the book was a nice read, the pace was quick and i was anxious to find out what happened next. the characters were deep. it sometimes confused me because they went back and forth in time and between charactes without really explaining who was thinking or talking etc. but i figured it out eventually. i found esme's character interesting but iris, the young woman discovering her families history, was a little weak in regards to her behavior and relationships. she seemed to be floating along without any real intent as to where she wanted to go. kind of shame considering she came from such a strong lineage of women. i would recommend it for the sake of learning about how things were back then for women. it will make one appreciate our freedom today, to read what we want, write what we want, live with whom we want....

Lost

2007-11-07T07:28:00.001-05:00

feeling a little lost this morning. sad. lonely. so much inside but nowhere to put it. no one i want to share it with. no one i feel truly wants to listen, to share in return, to take this feeling to the next level. so i'll sit with it. i'll feel it myself. i'll cry. i'll dream. i'll fantasize. i'll regret. i'll wish. i'll create a space i can survive in for now. until it comes back again.i am reading a book titled - the seven stairs: an adventure of the heart by stuart brent. it is about a man with a dream and an obsession with books. it is about his opening a book store in chicago and striving to make it what he envisions as an intellectual, creative meeting place for authors, readers, publishers and everything in between. he shares his struggles and his success and we meet many characters that come into his life, some to buy books, some to write books, some to fund his endeavors, some to try to control him, others to give him a means to flourish and others to ignite the fire within him to keep pursuing his dream.i'm enjoying it. some parts a little slower than others but overall, i love books about books and the book industry so i can't complain. i find that i love reading most things written from a book lover like myself as we are a little weird and have a slightly different way of looking at the world. our priorities are a little skewed towards buying a book versus paying a utility bill.

Booking Through Thursday

2007-10-11T06:59:00.000-04:00

Live and In-Person October 11, 2007
Filed under: Wordpress — --Deb @ 1:01 am

I said in August, when we talked about fan mail, that I planned on expanding that to live meetings when the time was right. Well, that time is now!

Have you ever met one of your favorite authors? Gotten their autograph?
Yes, Hollis Gillespie and yes more than once and yes she signed the books. My favorite signing with her was at a small coffee shop in Midtown where she signed my book "To a fellow writer slut, good luck with your writing". The title of that book of course was "Confessions of a Recovering Slut and Other Love Stories" so it was apropos.

How about an author you felt only so-so about, but got their autograph anyway? Like, say, at a book-signing a friend dragged you to?

I bought Alice Hoffman's book "Skylight Confessions" at a book signing and talk at The Margaret Mitchell House because she was such an interesting speaker, she talked a lot about her writing process instead of just the book. I like to hear about any artist's process of creation. I can read the book on my own but I can't get inside the author's or artist's head without them allowing it. I had read another of her books years before "Here on Earth" which was subsequently made into a movie. It wasn't all that great and at the event, that title seemed to be the least liked by everyone so I do eventually plan to read "Incantation" as I would like to read more of her mystical writing that the audience seemed to really love about her stuff.

How about stumbling across a book signing or reading and being so captivated, you bought the book?

I've never stumbled across a book signing but did buy a book by an author I'd never heard of at a literary festival because he was so interesting. It was called "The Every Boy" and the author is Dane Adams Shapiro. He was just so darned likeable I had to support his craft.

2007-10-08T08:15:00.000-04:00

Another Manic Monday Theme: Track
Rules for Manic Monday: use the word track or tracksin a post. Anyway you want. Just have FUN with it!

Growing up in New Mexico in the foothills of the mountains, I loved to wander through the desert searching for animal tracks. I was never sure what had been there before me. I recognized the slithering trail left by a snake. I always noticed my cat's paw prints. He, like me, loved to wander about looking for life. Scorpions, lizards, tarantulas, wild rabbits and many more critters were all part of my life in the desert. Some were dangerous and I was repeatedly told to stay away from for fear of getting stung or bitten with venemous results. This didn't stop me from being curious and wanting to see these dangerous things up close. I think it made it more exciting to know they could kill and would with the slightest bit of provocation.
Animal tracks to this day bring a feeling of gratitude. I'm grateful that they are still here on earth, that they haven't been totally destroyed. I am honored we are allowed in their space, their home, they certainly aren't honored to be in ours.

Weekend Wordsmith

2007-10-07T21:31:00.000-04:00

Mountains
MOUNTAINS ~ Do you live in the mountains? Or perhaps you have a mountain of laundry? This twilight photo shows Lookout Mountain and the southern part of Chattanooga.

I was born in New Mexico with several mountain towns surrounding my hometown, Cloudcroft, Highrolls, & Ruidosa. As I get older, the memories of driving up to the Apple or Cherry festivals, taking hayrides through the pine trees, chopping wood for the fireplace, building a campfire and so many more, mean the world to me. I miss the view of the mountains and the feeling of safety being surrounded by their looming presence. I miss the smell of a campfire, of pine needles and fresh, crisp mountain air. I have family in Denver and plan on living in Colorado at some point in my life. Its the only place that I can say brings tears to my eyes the minute I get out of the airport and see the Rockies.

Sunday Scribblings

2007-10-07T17:48:00.000-04:00

sorry -- no scribble this week!

no scribble

no dribble on the end of a pen

no sighs

no cries from deep in my chest

no second

guessing which direction to take

the freedom

of permission to stop

to listen

to watch

to be

Friday's Feast

2007-10-05T06:45:00.000-04:00

Feast One Hundred & Sixty Three

Appetizer: On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being highest, how much do you look forward to your birthday?
5ish -this year I turned 40 which I was dreading all year long but once it came, it wasn't so bad. Over the years, I have started to dislike celebrating holidays of any sort and I'm trying to figure out why. One reason is that I hate consumerism and buying things just because its a holiday or for no apparent need. Another reason might be that when a big deal is made leading up to anything, it usually doesn't live up to my expectations so I'm a little disappointed. Wow, I sound like such a scrooge but just trying to be honest and evaluate my intentions....

Soup: What is one word you don’t like the sound, spelling, or meaning of?
Liar

Salad: Do you wear sunglasses when you’re outside? If so, what does your current pair look like?
Ocasionally, they are brown with a little bit of a leapord print that is barely noticeable.

Main Course: If you were to write a book, to whom would you dedicate it?
My mother, Junanne Peck

Dessert: Name a beverage that you enjoy.
A tall Breve Vanilla Latte

Booking Thru Thursday

2007-10-04T21:51:00.000-04:00

Do you have “issues” with too much profanity or overly explicit (ahem) “romantic” scenes in books? Or do you take them in stride? Have issues like these ever caused you to close a book? Or do you go looking for more exactly like them? (grin)

I don't have an issue with "romantic" scenes or profanity but when it comes to acts of violence, rape or torture, I have a hard time with reading it especially before going to sleep as I will have nightmares. I put the "Kite Runner" by Khaled Hosseini down when it came to a brutal sexual scene that wasn't really explicit but you knew what was happening. Eventually I picked it back up and finished it. I felt that if a book could make me feel like I was there and have that strong of an emotional response, it was worth completing. I'm glad I did as it redeemed itself by the end. I guess if there is profanity and sex just to provide shock value, I can live without it.

Ten on Tuesday

2007-10-02T21:08:00.000-04:00

10 Television Shows You'd Like to Have (or Have already) on DVD
1. Weeds
2. The L Word
3. Six Feet Under
4. Thirty Something
5. Once & Again
6. My So Called Life
7. Sex in the City
8. House
9. Cold Case
10. Ally McBeal

[Next week: 10 Things that Worry You]

My Authentic Self

2007-09-30T20:31:00.000-04:00

# 79 - Powerful
I wrote a post recently about the feeling of power that children have, up to a certain age, when they believe they can do/be anything. It made me think about when I felt most powerful in my own life. So that's the prompt this week:When in your life did you feel the most powerful? Was it childhood? College? Now? What is that feeling like; what does it mean? Do you have power over your own life, or are you not feeling that so much these days? If you don't want to get serious, you might imagine superhero powers, and what you would do with them.Curious to hear what you'll say!

I feel like when I'm in between relationships or jobs or decisions, there is a sense of freedom and power to create the life I want. The world is whatever I want it to be. My life is whatever I choose to create. It's not that being in a relationship or having a job is a bad thing obviously but I honestly feel that I sometimes feel "stuck" or "obligated". I know this to be my own perception and that I still have the freedom to make my own choices. It's just that other people are effected by my choices and this in itself limits the choices I have. I just had a birthday, the big 40 and with a 23 year old son, an 18 year old daughter, I now feel the sky is the limit in regards to how I choose to live my life. My authentic life is just beginning and I am sooooo excited.

2007-09-29T13:57:00.000-04:00

NAMES
We name our children, we name our pets, we hate our names, we love our names, we get nicknames. What's your name story? If you want to explore puppy names, click HERE.

My name was chosen by a doctor/friend of my mothers. My mother asked her if she had any ideas of what my name should be and Carla was what she chose. I wasn't given a middle name because my mother didn't have one and I guess she thought I didn't need one. I hated it all through childhood that I didn't have a middle name so when I got divorced from my highschool sweetheart of 15 years, I took my maiden name back and added a middle name to my liking. Therefore I am now Carla Nikol Wilson. Remarried now but never changed my name, I worked hard to get that back and customize it. ha ha

Friday's Feast

2007-09-29T06:45:00.000-04:00

Feast One Hundred & Sixty Two
September 28th, 2007 Category: The Feasts , 2007

Appetizer: How are you today?
Groovy

Soup: Name 3 television shows you watch on a regular basis.
Tell me you love me
Weeds
Californication

Salad: What’s the scariest weather situation you’ve experienced?
A hurricane when I was a baby but I don't remember it. My mother told me my crib was sliding across the room.

Main Course: If you could wake up tomorrow morning in another country, where would you want to be?
Paris, France

Dessert: What do you usually wear to sleep?
T-Shirt and boxers

Booking Through Thursday

2007-09-27T08:05:00.000-04:00

Suggested by Marsha:
Buy a Friend a Book Week is October 1-7 (as well as the first weeks of January, April, and July). During this week, you’re encouraged to buy a friend a book for no good reason. Not for their birthday, not because it’s a holiday, not to cheer them up–just because it’s a book.
What book would you choose to give to a friend and why?
And, if you’re feeling generous enough–head on over to Amazon and actually send one on its way!

I would buy my friend at work

We Dare You: Scrapbook Challenges About Real Life (Paperback) by Kristina Contes (Author), Meghan Dymock (Author), Nisa Fiin (Author), Genevieve Simmonds (Author)

because this is a book we've been looking at for art project ideas. We just started a "Creative Group" with three of us from work and we assign a project each week to present to the group on Friday nights. Neither one of us has the money to splurge right now but we both love what it has to say. I've heard her mention how much she wants this book over and over.

Ten on Tuesday: 10 Things You've Been Putting Off

2007-09-25T07:38:00.000-04:00

Ten Things I've been putting off....

1. Getting a car wash.
2. Taking the GRE to apply for graduate school.
3. Going for my yearly check up at the OB/GYN.
4. Going to the gym.
5. Dropping off clothes at the dry cleaners.
6. Writing.
7. Doing my weekly art project 2 other friends and I assigning eachother weekly.
8. Coloring my hair.
9. Paying my Ad Valorem Tax on my car.
10. Looking for another apartment to move to at the end of our lease.

Wow, now I feel like a loser....

Invent an Opposite

2007-09-23T12:19:00.000-04:00

What is the opposite of a kiss?
What is the Opposite of green?
What is the opposite of a train?
What is the opposite of cake?
What is the opposite of a fence?
Now, use both the thing and its opposite in a story, poem or essay.

She could see the train coming up the track from a distance. She parked her bicycle against the pole and put the lock on it. He rode up on his bike and she couldn't look him in the eye, if she did, she knew she'd cry. He reached out to pull her face near his and she turned away to avoid a kiss. How could she share such intimacy in the last moments before she left him forever? She conisidered instigating a fight the day before. Maybe an argument would spark a rage and she could slap his face, pound her fists in his chest, scream and spit words of terror. Maybe this would make her leaving easier. No it wouldn't in the end. Nothing makes seperation easy. Not from someone you've allowed into your heart completely. She felt evil when she turned away. She knew he must feel rejected by her lack of eye contact and aloofness. As much as she hated to be that way, she had to protect herself from the shooting pain down her chest at the thought of this being the last time he'd see her, know where she was, what she was doing, how she was feeling. They would be strangers. To think he had no idea this was the end made it hard for her to breath. The night before, in that little Italian restaurant with candlelight and anniversary cake, she made a wish that he'd move on quickly once she was gone. That he wouldn't think of her everytime he ate cake at a birthday party or celebration, that he'd say, "No thank you, I'll take pie instead, I never was much of a cake lover." She looked at his dark green wool sweater, the one they used to fight over when it got really cold outside. She'd miss those little things they shared like clothes, coffee, music and books. She wrapped her brown scarf around her neck as the wind from the train picked up. She turned to say goodbye and he wasn't there. After settling down into a window seat, her tears began to fall as she looked out the window, she noticed him on the other side of a chain link fence. His arms stretched out wide open, grasping the metal tight enough to cut off his circulation. When their eyes met, they both knew it would be the last time.

2007-09-22T08:04:00.000-04:00

OREO

OREO ~ Tell us about your favorite cookie. If you aren't a fan of this kind of cookie, choose another as your subject. If you have a favorite way to eat an oreo (or any cookie), tell us about it. Did you help your grandmother make cookies?Instructions are in the sidebar to the right

My favorite Cookies are all Girl Scout Cookies. I remember when I was growing up, I couldn't wait until Girl Scout Cookies went on sale. I always asked my mom why they didn't sell them in the grocery stores year round. Maybe their strategy is to build up anticipation to increase sales during that shortest of seasons.

My very favorite is the Samoa. I love the chewy carmel with the chocolate coating and coconut sprinkles. It almost reminds me of a candy bar but better. Someone once told me if I put them in the microwave for a few seconds, they get all warm and melted like a real Samoa. I have yet to try that since I like them just the way they are.

A close second would be the Thin Mints. I think I can eat an entire roll in one sitting with a big glass of cold milk.

Third would have to be Tagalongs with all of that peanut buttery flavor.

Wow, I'm getting hungry just thinking about all of these cookies, does anyone know when they start taking orders again?

Book Giveaway

2007-09-21T22:35:00.000-04:00

Found a book giveaway to share with you. If you would like to win a personalized, signed copy of Veil of Roses, please leave a comment at

http://thewrittenword.wordpress.com/2007/09/13/one-year-at-the-written-word-and-a-giveaway/#comment-6493

by midnight EST time September 22nd to be automaticaly entered into the drawing.

Good luck!

Friday's Feast

2007-09-21T06:17:00.000-04:00

Feast One Hundred & Sixty One
September 21st, 2007 Category: The Feasts, 2007
{Featured Flickr Feast by tclement}

Appetizer: What is your favorite type of art?

Writing first and foremost, music is next, collages are after that at the present moment with photography a millisecond behind. Of course as soon as I see art of another medium that touches my soul, my favorites can change. I reserve the right to change my mind right?

Soup: When was the last time you got a free lunch (or breakfast or dinner)? Who paid for it?

Dinner at Joey D's - a rack of ribs, fries and a salad last night with my husband before going to see a free sneak preview of "Heartbreak Kid".

Salad: On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being highest, how emotional are you?

Easily an 8 but if pmsing, a 12.

Main Course: Approximately how long do you spend each day responding to emails?

Maybe if I were to condense all of the minutes into one cluster instead of interspersed throughout the day, an hour.

Dessert: To what temperature do you usually set your home’s thermostat?

70 degrees usually but sometimes at night I'll drop it to 68 and curl up under the covers.

need some daily inspiration

2007-09-20T08:40:00.000-04:00

i love the writing accountability through - memes? not sure what meme stands for, call me a little slow ha ha but would love to find more in order to do at least one per day. can anyone suggest more memes possibly for monday, tuesday, wednesday, friday, saturday, sunday? they really get me thinking and start my day off creatively. thanks for the input…

Sunshine and Roses

2007-09-20T08:19:00.000-04:00

Sunshine and Roses September 20, 2007
Filed under: Wordpress — --Deb @ 1:02 am

The reverse of last week’s question:
Imagine that everything is going just swimmingly. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and all’s right with the world. You’re practically bouncing from health and have money in your pocket. The kids are playing and laughing, the puppy is chewing in the cutest possible manner on an officially-sanctioned chew toy, and in between moments of laughter for pure joy, you pick up a book to read . . .
What is it?

Most likely I will have three books in progress (one non-fiction (usually a memoir), one fiction and usually one self improvement like motivational or new agey (The Power of Now)) and will pick one of those up. Nothing different than what I'd be reading in general. I find that the music I listen to changes depending on my mood rather than the reading. Currently I'm reading The House of Giants by Elizabeth McCracken and that is what I'd reach for today.

Bridges

2007-02-25T14:29:00.000-05:00

I have been thinking a lot about what my obsession with books is. Not only am I usually reading 3 at a time but my "wish" list continues to grow faster than I can buy them let alone read them.

Currently I am reading "A Tree Grows in Brooklyn" by Betty Smith. I love Francie and her perspective on life. I really like seeing the landscape of her neighborhood and what all of her surroundings mean to her symbolically. Anyway, I have been reading it rather slowly just so I can enjoy every nuance and every change she goes through.

This weekend I read "Bridge to Terabithia" because I want to go see the movie today. The previews were pretty cool and reminded me of what I like about "Neverending Story" so hopefully it will hold up to the book at least. I cried for half an hour at the end of the story. I needed a good cry but also I really connected with the character and felt his pain. There is something to be said for the perspective of children and their belief in magic, role playing and life outside of the physical realm. I love the kingdom Jess and Leslie created in Terabithia. I love that at first Jess wasn't able to let go and believe in this royal kingdom but by participating and not giving up, he eventually saw the magic, believed in the spirits and incorporated them into his world. I am such a realist but wish to be more imaginative so this book and hopefully the movie, will remind me of what it was like to be open to other worlds.
I'll let you know how the movie is, that is if I come back to the real world....

I came to one conclusion about my obsession with reading, books are bridges. They are bridges to other books, other authors, other worlds. We stand in the spot where we are physcially at any moment in time but by opening a book, we can be someone else, somewhere else, places we woudn't believe existed in our world right here in this spot we stand in. All I ask is that I am open and willing to see the bridges in front of me and that I have no fear in crossing them.

Freedom, What a Feeling!

2007-01-19T17:34:00.000-05:00

I just completed The Bookseller of Kabul by Asne Seierstad and I am feeling quite liberated. The book is non-fiction and tells the story of a family from Kabul in the industry of bookselling. The father, Sultan, is the patriarch and rules his house with an iron fist. He has two wives, numerous children and expects his sons to spend their lives working in his bookstores instead of getting an education.

The women in the story are as different from each other as can be. Sultan's mother, Baba Gul is in charge when he is away and she is content to sit in a corner and eat herself into oblivion. Sharifa, the first wife, honors Sultan by waiting on him hand and foot while Sonya, his young teenaged second wife is naive and needs to be taken care of.

It is Leila, Sultan's youngest sister, that I am rooting for throughout the book. She has a mind of her own although she is basically a servant in the household. She has a desire to learn, to see the world to fall in love yet society in her world prevents her from being the free spirit that she is. She must take along a young boy from the neighborhood to go out of the house. She must not be seen without her burka, in public with any non-related male and all the other rules that govern women in the Islamic tradition.

The whole time I was reading this book, I was thinking how lucky we are in America to have the freedom to walk out of our homes wearing whatever we want, go wherever we want, eat whatever we want, read whatever we want and the list goes on. We often think of what we can't do and get frustrated but in reality there really isn't much we can't do if we are willing to work for it. It is only up to us to choose the direction our life will take. This concept give me the knowledge that I am the creator of my life, with the guidance of a higher power, the universe will support me in my quest to fulfill my personal legend.....

Just started "In the Country of Men" by Hisham Matar so far so good.....
Currently reading : In the Country of Men By Hisham Matar

What's Your Personal Legend????

2007-01-12T21:51:00.000-05:00

Just finished reading "The Alchemist" by Paolo Coehlo and fell in love. Not only was the story simply written, it was extremely deep at the same time. How'd he do that? I'm impressed.
The message is applicable to every human on this planet and it is also one we all know inside our souls but need to be reminded often in this crazy place called earth.
It put me in the place I needed to be at this very moment in time. I also realized that I'm not crazy because I struggle daily trying to find my "nitch" in the writing world. I began writing over ten years ago, journaling and personal op type stuff and never gave much thought to the content or an audience etc. It wasn't until I returned to college at 23 with 2 kids in tow and stumbled into an all women's lit course where I felt comfortable with the female energies in the room that gave me the freedom to express myself more honestly.
I wrote an essay for our one "creative writing" assignment about my mother's house using major descriptives which wasn't hard to do since she is an artist and her house is always filled with interesting objects and histories to go with them. My teacher, Ms. Gormly, bless her heart, fell in love with my paper and chose to read a portion to the class which brought smiles and laughter from around the room. This was one of those moments in life where you feel a sense of validation for your purpose, someone is fnally hearing where I'm coming from or at least is entertained by it.
I continued to dabble in writing and reading as much about books, writing, author's lives and their process etc. I decided to take some creative writing classes at a community college last year and was somewhat frustrated due to lack of participation and interest in the art of writing by the other students who seemed to be there only for an easy credit. Critiquing was not happening as it should have and the feedback I had so hoped to get and learn from wasn't well thought out or even available as the students, some younger than my children, were anxious to get out of class and weren't paying much attention to our teacher who by the way is a writer and truly cares about the process. I was ashamed of their behavior for her since she gave teaching her all.
so I digress...
The book made me realize that writing is part of my personal legend but I still have to work on exactly how I am to use it. The creative writing class in fiction was extremley difficult for me as I prefer to write about my life, my experiences, what I've learned on my path in hopes others will be uplifted, inspired and continue along on their journey. This is what The Alcemist's message was to me and I realize this is the type of writing I would like to persue, writing worth something, writing that can change things for the better, I want to add something positive to the world and if we leave anything after we leave this life, I want it to be inspiration, motivation and hope that each of us holds the power to make it a better place by following our purpose, living our personal legends.
Thanks Paulo for the inspiration and living with intention. You do inspire others, keep it up. Send some energy over here, I could use it.

Rosie Thomas Rocks!

2006-10-14T08:15:00.000-04:00

Sat on a wooden floor at a joint called The Earl and was hypnotized by Rosie Thomas on stage with her pink dress, guitar and soul kissing voice. She sounds like an angel and her lyrics are honest and come from her heart.

check out her website www.rosiethomas.com and take a little listen.

if you get a chance to see her perform, it is well worth the time and money.

So many books, so little time or money to buy them

2006-10-13T21:32:00.000-04:00

i remember when i worked in the corporate world. i made more money so i bought hardcover books and lattes to satisfy my thirst for knowledge and caffeine as well as to tolerate going to a job i hated everyday.

now i work in a bookstore, i'm surrounded by books and talk to people about books and shelve books eight hours a day but cannot afford to buy books or lattes on a whim anymore.

i love going to work everyday though, and i love being surrounded by books and discussing them. i guess that is more important than making money.

they say money can't buy happiness but it can buy books and coffee and options.......

2006-09-14T22:43:00.000-04:00

Richard Tovar Rangel, Jr.

so young when i brought you into the world,

yet with you came wisdom i hadn't gained from this world.

did you come to teach me patience, unconditional love & tolerance?

you were my stable ground when the world swayed from side to side.

Mother & Daughter

2006-09-14T22:32:00.000-04:00

this would be me and my daughter sheyane five years ago. this was before she was too cool to sit on my lap for a picture.....

looking back at old pictures is always so surreal and sometimes extremely sad. why is it we are never "in the moment" that pictures are taken. when i look back at them, i wonder what i was thinking then, what were my worries, my fears, my dreams. what was i thankful for, wishing for and hiding from?

they say a picture is worth a thousand words but i can't think of one except for hmmmm....

My baby girl is growing up

2006-09-14T22:26:00.000-04:00

this is my baby girl. she left to spend some time in texas with my parents, my oldest child (her big brother) and her dad. she takes up so much of my life when she is with me that when she is gone, there is a void.
i miss you little girl!!!

Work in a bookstore and too poor to buy a book

2006-09-14T22:08:00.000-04:00

i saw the most amazing book cover on this book today in the store:
Only Revolutions: A Novel by Mark Z. Danielewski.
once i read the inside flap, i realized this book is written by the author of
House of Leaves a book that came out awhile back and developed a cult following.
i lifted the sleeve of the book and discovered it is glossy with sea creatures, birds, irredescent bugs, shells, skulls and much much more. a most amazing collage. and the story seems quite interesting. you must read some reviews for yourself.
anyway, as much as i want it, at my hourly wage i would have to work three hours to buy it and it just doesn't seem fair.
oh well, maybe i can absorb it through osmosis!!!

Show me the writing!

2006-09-12T21:55:00.000-04:00

wow
don't know where the summer went outside of the bookstore. unfortunately i am perfecting the art of procrastination as far as my writing is going. can't believe it is september already.
the air is changing and i feel the fall creeping up which i love more than words can say.
i really want to be out west. want to see the mountains. want to feel the dry air. want to wear sweaters and scarfs. want to layer clothes and hide under blankets and read.
i've noticed all of the celebrities writing books and feel the guilt of not making the time to write seriously, submit consistently and hope to begin devoting some time to my writing. if they can find the time to write, what's my excuse?
i'll be back sooner than before.

Poetry.com

2006-05-09T21:53:00.000-04:00

I don't know what came over me the other day but I responded to one of those unsolicited emails asking me to submit a poem and possibly get published and/or win cash money. Cash money is good, publishing is good but that junk email was just that JUNK.
So today in the mail I get a letter with my poem showing through the envelope window and I have to admit it felt good to see "my poem" in print. Then I read the letter stating that my artistic talent stood out above thousands of others and they offered to sell me a leather bound book with my poem printed inside, something like The Library of Poetry Volume I for the mere price of $40. Wow, I can pay $40 for a book full of poetry and my poem inside. No thanks. I hesitated as I threw it in the trash but nevertheless, I threw it away because lately I have been having nightmares due to the clutter all along the side of my bed and on my nightstand and dresser.

A Day in the Music Department

2006-05-08T21:41:00.000-04:00

Spent today in the music department at Barnes and Noble, my new job as of two weeks ago. Five years ago, prior to my career in Property Management and Real Estate, I worked in books at the management level. This time, I decided to go back as a bookseller and work with the customers.

During my interview with the store manager three weeks ago, she mentioned the farther up you go with the store, the farther away from the books you get. I love books, I love people who read books, I love discussing books. I decided I would rather touch, smell and sell books.

They need help in the music department, therefore that is where I shall work and learn about cds, dvds, box sets etc. So far I am enjoying the learning process and being exposed to all kinds of music.

Not a real exciting day but have my work cut out for me tomorrow. I have to get my Creative Writing portfolio together to turn in for final grade. I am looking forward to taking World Literature starting May 22nd.

See ya tomorrow.
Carla Nikol